Jokes

[Nurse Duckett]

A monk was hiking up a mountain. He fell down and bashed his knee.

"Sh*t" he exclaimed, then

"Oh F**k, I said Sh*t!"

then,

"Oh Sh*t! I said F**k!"[/i]

And then

"Oh B*ll*cks, I never wanted to be a monk anyway"

[Nurse Duckett]

Here's another one then.

A woman phoned her vet. "My dog's outside and there's another dog on top of it. What shall I do?"

Vet: "Go out and throw a bucket of water over them"
Woman: "You think that'll work?"

Later, woman phones her vet again: "My dog's still outside and there's still another dog on top of it. What shall I do?"

Vet: "Go out and wave a big stick and shout at them"
Woman: "You think that'll work?"

Later, woman phones her vet again: "My dog's still outside and there's still another dog on top of it. What shall I do?"

Vet: "Go out and tell the dog on top that there's a phone call for him"
Woman: "You think that'll work?"

Vet: "It did for me, last three times the phone rang"

[Sisterly Love]

Four nuns were travelling back to their convent one night and were involved in a fatal car crash. They died, went to heaven, and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked them confess their worst earthly sin, one at a time - then they would be resolved and admitted into heaven.

Sister Kathleen came forward and said, "St. Peter, the worst sin I've ever committed was, I once looked at a man's p****, and I'm so very sorry."

"My dear Sister Kathleen," said St. Peter, "wash your eyes in the vat of holy water, then you may enter into the kingdom of heaven." And so she did.

Sister Jo came forward and said, "St. Peter, the worst sin I've ever committed was, I once touched at a man's p****, and I'm so very sorry."

"My dear Sister Jo," said St. Peter, "wash your hands in the vat of holy water, then you may enter into the kingdom of heaven." And so she did.

Just then, Sister Elizabeth went rushing past Sister Mary and headed toward the vat of holy water. St. Peter asked, "My dear Sister Elizabeth, whatever is the matter!?"

Sister Elizabeth replied, "I wanted to wash out my mouth in the vat of holy water before Sister Mary has to dunk her a*** in there."

[Crusoe]

Nuns, is it?

OK, then: there were two Nuns and their Mother Superior killed in a tragic car crash. They all go up to the pearly gates where St Peter says “Ladies, you are supposed to have been brides of Christ and so I must test that you have truly been devoted before I can let you into Heaven. I will, therefore, ask you a question about God’s creation and will expect you to know the answer. Sister Mary, what was the tree from which Adam and Eve ate to bring about their expulsion from the Garden of Eden?”

“The tree of the knowledge of good and evil,” says Sister Mary and she enters Heaven.

“Now, Sister Sarah,” says St Peter, “tell me who tempted Eve into eating of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.”

“The serpent,” replies Sister Sarah and she enters Heaven.

“Mother Superior,” says St Peter, “you have had a very important role in spiritual development of many young ladies and the lord requires you to be truly dedicated. You must, therefore, answer a more difficult question. What were Eve’s first words on meeting Adam?”

“Oooh,” says the Mother Superior, “that is a hard one,” and enters Heaven.

o0o

Two nuns are walking down the road in Transylvania. Out pops Dracula from some nearby shrubbery and begins to display his fangs in a threatening manner.

“Quick!” says one nun to the other, “show him your cross.”

“Right:” says the other, “s*d off, Dracula, you b*st*rd!”




Oh there’s one about a blind man, too, but I wouldn’t want to monopolise things.

[No Forest 4 The Trees]

Blind men, is it?

OK, then...



Some nuns were working on fixing up their drab-looking convent to make it look a bit cheerier. One scorchingly hot afternoon while painting the walls, Mother Superior suggested, "My fellow sisters, it's very warm in here and we're working so hard. Since we're all women, I suggest we make our task a bit more comfortable and remove our clothing."

All the sisters agreed. They removed their clothing and continued painting in comfort.

A half hour later, there was a knock at the door. Before rushing to clothe themselves, Mother Superior crept up to the door and asked, "Who is it?"

A feeble voice answered back, "Blind man."

The sisters felt quite sorry for the man, and since he was blind, they figured it would not make a difference whether they were nude or not. They all agreed to allow him in.

Upon opening the door, the man said, "Hello. I'm here to install your blinds.... By the way, nice rack, Sister."

[Nurse Duckett]

webb said:

o0o

Two nuns are walking down the road in Transylvania. Out pops Dracula from some nearby shrubbery and begins to display his fangs in a threatening manner.

“Quick!” says one nun to the other, “show him your cross.”

“Right:” says the other, “s*d off, Dracula, you b*st*rd!”

That one made me smile, Crusoe.

Oh, ok. It made me snigger.

Well done.

So where the heckfire is Benbow, eh?

Went out on the Damascus Road without his wellyboots, probably.