Jedi Darcy and the mystery of the Navaho elves

[Benbow]

The Reverend Dr. Pimms and the Headmaster, discussing the staff participation in the forthcoming school sports day.
"Personally, I've a great desire to enter matron" said Dr Pimms, sipping his tea.
"Certainly, certainly," agreed the Headmaster, " She's marvellous in the sack."
"So the sack race it is then, gentlemen," said Sir Willoughby noting matron's name down in his book.
"Now, the caber. Did I hear someone say that you are something of a tosser, headmaster?"
As he spoke

[Nurse Duckett]

Ursula despaired. These men were mere poltroons and dastards. She also shuddered at the tautological thought.

Her lover could run rings around these puffing poseurs for 26 miles non-stop, collect his Marathon medal and still ravish her beautiful body for hours, all before breakfast. Indeed, he had done that very thing, in [/color]

[Benbow]

indecent haste, as it happened, and not necessarily in the correct order. The fact that of their union had not gone unnoticed by Dr Pimms, and indeed their antics had almost made him stifle on his cereal.
"Matron, not on the breakfast table, if you please," he said, his pince nez dropping into his teacup. "I'm afraid such disgraceful actions require police intervention. Constable Twaddle, do your duty."
Constable Twaddle had been breakfasting at the school and had witnessed the whole event. He dreaded arresting Ursula; he knew that she wouldn't come quietly. Suddenly

[Nurse Duckett]

she lost her professional calm demeanour. She hardly ever lost her temper but this was too much.

"You so-called "men" are all idiots compared to the Real Man that I love!" she shouted, her blouse straining at the sudden movement.

"I have commited no crime here, except the crime of being in LOVE, something which clearly is a stranger to you all!"

She shrugged aside the feeble attempts to calm her down and walked swiftly away. She had other things to attend to, now that she had made her declaration out loud for the first time in her life. Would he be there to take her trembling phone call? She reached her office and [/color]

[Benbow]

phoned her solicitor, in order to sort out the misunderstandings regarding her breakfast activities.
"Don't worry, my dear" Mr Grabbit assured her, "Old Pimms won't be any problem, he'll soon withdraw his complaint. After all I still have the negatives from the Old Onanian's Party last year."
Ursula remembered how indiscreet Dr Pimms had been with that MP from the shires, not to mention the to-do with the choir, the root vegetables and the mascot of the local regiment. The local goat sanctuary had not been amused, but it was all water under the bridge now - or so PImms believed.
"Tell me, my dear," enquired the solicitor...

[Crusoe]

“how did a pretty girl like you get caught up in a mess like this? Seeing as I’ll have you out of here in a jiffy, why don’t we go back to my place?”

I couldn’t blame Grabbit for trying his luck – this Ursula was a sweet kid – but his abuse of his position made me sick. It might have been different if he was a missionary but there’s nothing I hate more than a bent brief. Apart from a bent cop. Or those “child-proof” lids that only a child can take off. Or those charity muggers. Or people with yappy dogs who don’t keep them under control. Or people who drop litter. Or bus drivers who pull away before you’ve sat down. OK so, there’s quite a few things I hate more than a bent brief but I sure hate a bent brief. Luckily, I had my own information about Mr Grabbit and his more than professional relationship with Chief “Jiggs” Wigham.

“OK, Grabbit,” I said, “you’ve done a good job but the dame’s coming with me.” He didn’t like it but no-one ever solved a case by winning a popularity contest. Apart from Frankie Stardust solving the great redcoat mystery but that’s another matter.

“Right then, doll,” I said to her, “it’s time we talked turkey.”

“You want me to gobble?”

“That’d be swell, but not when I’m on a case.”

“Well why don’t you move onto the chair, then?” she asked.

“There’s no time for that right now: there’s something I’ve gotta ask you.”

“It’s OK, I’ve just got my results back from the clinic and I’m clear.”

“No, not that,” I said. “It’s about this real man you keep talking about. Are you sure you don’t know where this bare-chested Conan guy is?”

I could tell she hadn’t expected me to ask that. She turned away from me for a moment and…

[Benbow]

looked at her diary.
"Golly" she exclaimed, "I should have been back at St. Onan's hours ago. It's sports day, and I've promised the headmaster that not only would I be in the sack race, but that I'd join him for golf this evening."
"My dear lady, you can't do that," said the detective, "It's far too dangerous."
"I'm sorry," said Ursula, moving towards the door, "But when the headmaster told me that he hates teeing-off on his own, I promised him that I'd play a round tonight."
With that she swirled out of the door and into a waiting taxi, which sped her straight to