Darcey Bussell

[Crusoe]

Did anyone hear this one? I’m afraid I missed it on Sunday and again today, although I can’t imagine that I’ve missed too much.

Having said that, her musical choices appear quite diverse – not what I would have expected - so perhaps I am misjudging her.

[Captain Nudnick]

No... but anything she did would be OK with me! I say, what a smasher! (Stand Easy, 1945)

[Billy Oxford]

I heard it – and wish I hadn’t bothered. The listener didn’t discover anything about her life that hadn’t already been aired on programmes such as Woman’s Hour. Musical choices were uninspiring……and she must have one of the most unpleasant radio voices that I’ve heard in the last twenty years.

I’m shocked that Captain Nudnick should post about someone’s looks. My uncle Maurice has told me that I should always avoid going out with very attractive girls. He tells me that they’ll only bring pain and heartache into my life. He says that when I grow up I should marry a girl who listens to Woman’s Hour. I’ve started doing crosswords when the WH serial is on and hope to use this as a potential chat up line. So I’ll say to Felicity: ‘you don’t by any chance do the Daily Mail crossword whilst listening to the WH serial do you?’ Felicity will smile and say….’it just so happens….’ Then I’ll write to Ms. Murray and thank her for introducing romance into my life. Ms. Murray will laugh so much that she’ll have to have three – instead of two - sips of coffee before going on air. Ms. Kearney will start to sing ‘Magic Moments’.

Yours,

Billy Oxford

[Crusoe]

Glad to know I didn’t miss much, Billy.

I wouldn’t be too shocked about Captain Nudnick’s post: it has been shown that people do make judgments on the basis of attractiveness. Better-looking people are more likely to be trusted and are likely to be more successful than less attractive people.

Much beauty is on the inside and your uncle Maurice is wise to warn you against superficially attractive girls. I think he’s a bit misguided in telling you to marry a girl who listens to “Woman’s Hour”, though: I think they will only bring you more pain and heartache. I’m afraid this is given away by the fact that it is well known that Ms Kearney will never sing “Magic Moments”.

[Billy Oxford]

webb said:

Glad to know I didn’t miss much, Billy.
Better-looking people are more likely to be trusted and are likely to be more successful than less attractive people.

Well Uncle Maurice tells me that there’s a close correlation between the size of a man’s bank account and his attractiveness – from the perspective of a woman anyway. Uncle Maurice has always believed that it’s the voice that you actually fall in love with and has said that I should forget all this 36-24-36 nonsense. He says that all WH girls wear A-line skirts, 1” heels, sing Neil Diamond songs in the bath and use Wonderweb – when hemming their trousers - on a regular basis. That, he beieves, is a recipe for a happy marriage.

As you know, UM runs a very successful tool-hire business, with shops in Bootle, Salford and Leatherhead. He’s never appointed any of his female assistants on the basis of their looks. They all wear GORGEOUS red berets, with MG embroidered around the circumpherence of the beret. He calls his assistants: ‘my little MG’s’ (Maurice’s girls). Isn’t that kind? One of his assistants, Alice, had her 42nd birthday the other day and due to an infinite amount of parentral pressure (as in act your age) decided to cut her beautiful long hair. She was devastated and felt 105 even though her friends did offer encouraging statements such as: ‘Ooooh Al, it looks lovely’. Wise UM could tell how upset she was and so he sewed in a load of hair extensions into her beret and you can’t even tell that she’s cut all her hair off. It’s clear that UM knows all about the duty of care within the workplace. I think he should join the CBI.